• Bodie English

Actress Lori Loughlin (Aunt Becky) Reportedly Among First To Receive Covid Vaccine While In Prison

It’s been a while since The Morning Rag has delivered hard hitting and insightful journalism, but there's a good reason. We’ve been undercover at the Federal Correctional Institution in Dublin, California where actress Lori Loughin was recently released after having served a 3 month stint for masterminding a scheme to use her wealth, sultry brown eyes, and sweet lips to obtain admission for her daughters into the prestigious University of Southern California.

Loughin and her husband, what’s-his-name, garnered much public scorn and occupied many a late-night news network leading story slot which seemed to be part of the larger zeitgeist - the critical look into a brand new phenomenon of people having privilege and using it. We at the Morning Rag decided to go deep undercover to see what kinds of privileges the former RAD movie star would be able to leverage in her own personal Hell Track…..that’s a movie reference and if you don’t get it, stop reading and leave right now.

After the front gate attendant refused our request to get a jail cell near Mrs. Loughin and to bring our camera and audio equipment, our only recourse was to commit a federal crime, plead guilty in exchange for an expedited sentence, and then identify as female. So after planting a flag of independence at the federal building in downtown LA and tazing a few unlucky citizens for the good of the cause, I was on my way to becoming cell mates with Aunt Becky.

Right away, I began to journal Mrs. Loughin’s every move in hopes to gain some insight as to how the world of privilege may exist even when freedom seems to have been usurped. Lori, or L-town as she was known as in the pen, seemed to enjoy zero harassment even as I was subjected to leering eyes catcalls calling into question my femininity. L-town was more beautiful than me and it was clear that people preferred beauty; I made a note of that.

Next, during mealtime, L-town was eagerly entreated to sit with others while everywhere I sat, people got up and moved. Through a bit of eavesdropping, and selling my body for information, I found out that L-town was gifting the fellow prisoners money into their spending accounts in exchange for protection and favors. I noted, “People will do things for money and people who have money can get things with that money.” L-town, it seemed, was still working the system and exerting her privilege to get what she wanted!

Finally, healthcare workers began a roll-out of the Covid Vaccine for prisoners in the first phase of availability. Among the 65+-year-olds, and those with medical conditions that caused them to pose a higher risk of susceptibility, L-town was seen leaving the medical quarters with a Bandaid on her upper arm. I managed to ask her in passing when she was going to get her second booster shot. She casually responded, “As soon the nurse gets her bitcoin deposit.” Now, I have no idea what a bitcoin is, but I could infer that it was some sort of narcotic arriving in someone’s anus in the next week or so. Unfortunately, I was released when my court appointed lawyer called the prosecutor’s office to inform them of my true intentions. Could it be that they were in on L-town’s circle of privilege? Probably.

My investigation ran into some serious hurdles when I attempted to put all of the information together about how privilege works. There were rich people everywhere and they all seemed to have no problem getting into good schools, why did L-town have to concoct a lie about her daughters being on the rowing team to gain admittance? Why couldn’t she just get an “I’m pretty scholarship?” Why didn’t she just give her daughters the $500,000 instead of paying the university coach the bribe? If money or looks are the privilege, they already had that in abundance and why risk committing a crime to place her kids in an institution dedicated to the idea of training individuals to be able to trade their abilities for money to survive? With that, I had come full circle, I wondered: “Was L-town’s real crime wanting the trifecta of all three privileges, Attractiveness, Wealth, and Intelligence? I guess if you already have all three, you’re unassailable, but like Meatloaf said, “…Now don't be sad ......'Cause two out of three ain't bad.”

Photo credit: a neighborhood kid that swore he knew how to photoshop.

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