• Bodie English

During Home Isolation, Honey Do’s Get Honey Did!

Amidst the turmoil and panic of the Pandemic’s effect on the economy, one level of productivity is at an all-time high: The Honey-Do list. I had been scrolling through Pinterest looking for a way to make an astronaut suit for my dog when I began to notice a change in my feed. Instead of the crochet thongs, she-sheds, and wine accessories for the middle class drunks, I noticed quite a few “unpolished” chore pics, if that makes any sense. Basically a bunch of dudes posting pics of projects they had completed. These were hasty photos and more akin to checklists than finely crafted ideas executed with an eye for aesthetic attributes of photographic delivery. It was clear that men had taken over Pinterest.

I decided to follow a few posters and create a few new boards to see where this all led and showed it to the neighborhood gal-pals over our 6ft. social distance, curbside brunch, day drinking, war of sobriety attrition, weekday social hour. The crew seemed to have already noticed this themselves, but also had solved the mystery for me. I was told that with all the time on hand, their husbands finally got around to getting all of the Honey-do list items taken care of.

This seemed like a likely scenario that I needed to investigate. My journalistic endeavor took me down the block as I followed the sounds of circular saws, hammer taps, and Def Leppard jams emanating from garages. I wandered into a few to see if I could glean some insight into this new productivity. I met Dave, Dave was running a saw and covered in sawdust when I caught his attention. I asked him why he wasn’t wearing a respirator with all that dust and he replied that those were all used when he made his journey to The Home Depot and the Liquor stores. I asked what he was up to in this spare time to which he replied that he just completed a three story treehouse in the backyard. Astonished, I asked if his kids were going stir crazy, he replied that they were and he needed the extra space for his in-laws that moved in right as the virus caused the economy to shut down.

He went on to explain that he already touched up the drywall flaws, repainted the upstairs, changed the oil in both vehicles, cleaned out the garage fridge, replumbed a few faucets, pulled all the weeds, planted a vegetable garden, oiled all the hinges in his house, sorted and organized all the junk drawers, got rid of all the clothes that didn't’ fit, threw out the tupperware without lids, changed the bad light bulbs, replaced all the batteries on the smoke detectors, added insulation to the attic, replaced the rotting fascia boards on the exterior, dusted the ceiling fans, traced down the function of that one light switch that didn’t do anything….it wasn’t wired correctly, cleaned the microwave, replaced the grill grates, organized all the flashlights into each room, sorted his spice rack by cuisine, cleaned the chimney flue, replaced the AC filters, oiled the wood furniture, hung up more family photos, sorted all the digital photos into digital categories, deleted 14,000 emails, filed personal paperwork, did his taxes, organized his camping gear, sharpened all his garden tools, sharpened all the kitchen knives, shampooed the rugs, gave the dogs a bath, mended his garden hose, sorted their office library books with a label maker, updated his resume, pruned the trees, replaced 4 sprinkler heads, set up his air conditioner to a phone app, cancelled a few magazine subscriptions, figured out how to use his Bowflex, made a keepsake trunk for his kids and put it in the attic, figured out he had two attics, learned to play guitar, threw away all the charger cords that had no use, ripped all his cd’s to a digital format, removed 28 pens from the pen drawer because they didn’t work, aired up the tires on the family bikes and did not ride because of all the rain, trimmed the hedges in the front, cleaned all the windows inside and out, changed the spark plugs and filters on the lawn mower, rotated the tires on his truck, Took a free online MIT course on logarithms, painted a family portrait, renamed the family dog Twice, (his name is Twice), found a bocce ball set and learned how to play bocce ball, drained the washing machine and rebuilt it, pulled up and fixed all the landscape lighting, releveled the uneven sidewalk in front of the house, adjusted the water flow on all the toilets, installed a bidet, built an apartment suite of birdhouses, caulked the entire exterior for bugs, installed motion sensor flood lights, reglued the loose joints on the dining room chairs, hung a swing in the backyard, pressure washed the driveway and removed the oil stains, fixed the oil leak on his wife’s car, changed out the windshield wipers, cleaned out both cars, made an emergency supply box for each vehicle, organized all the holiday cards, updated their friends and family list, learned how to solve a Rubik's cube, and tightened the headboard bolts on their bed which had recently become loose.

At this point, I had run out of paper and forgot what I was doing as my sense of shame at having my list consist of completing the entire Simpsons, Seinfeld, and Sopranos series without setting foot outside. I circled back to my Pinterest Feed and deleted my cake pop boards and endeavored to start being more like Dave and less like DebbiesBedazzledWineCorks. I needed something to show for this home restriction when it was all over so that I could look back on this time as an opportunity to better myself.

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