• Bodie English

How To Spot A Person In The Witness Protection Program (A detailed plan)

If you’re like most people, you spend a great deal of your time in public wondering if the people you see are in the witness protection program. Who are all these people, and what deep secrets do they know? Here at The Morning Rag we wanted to apply some economic science to see if it would be possible to figure out how to spot them.

I started with an email to the FBI with a straightforward request: “Send me a list of all of the people in the witness protection program so I can analyze their data please.” My request was not returned even though I clicked the “urgent” box in the email. Without the support of our Federal Government I was left to figure this out on my own. I started with a Youtube video that told me that it was in fact the Department of Justice, and the US Marshall Service that oversaw the program that was created in 1970. Emails to their offices, however, were likewise unfruitful.

I watched a few mob movies and did a little sleuthing into the requirements of a person in the program and found a few interesting tidbits:

  1. You must attend an orientation along with your immediate family.

  2. During this orientation, you learn that you would first need to resolve all financial obligations and debts to prevent entities from trying to track you down.

  3. You need new documents like social security cards, drivers’ licenses, credit cards etc.

  4. Speaking of credit cards, you typically would receive a monthly stipend to help get you settled, but it’s not a lot, and it doesn’t last forever.

  5. You must choose a new last name, and typically keep the same first name so that it’s not too difficult to get used to.

  6. It may be a surprise to learn that you do not get to have armed protection in this new life as that would raise some red flags.

  7. The biggest thing though, is that you cannot return to your old life in any way. You can’t contact friends or go back to your hometown.

  8. If you break these rules, you can be thrown out of the program.

As I took down these post-it notes and pinned them to my wall with red thumbtacks and tied a piece of string to all of them, I could plainly see a pattern…...a straight line!

It was plain to see that I had found a rubric, a profile for solving this riddle. This is going to be very complicated but try to keep up with me as I build this profile.

These people are:

  1. Living in America…. Specifically in a TOWN.

  2. They will be using their own first name, so if you were to call their name and they respond…. that’s clue number 2.

  3. Since they have a stipend, these people will have a home, pay bills, and seem financially stable, so that narrows it down quite a bit.

  4. If they have social security cards, credit cards and an educational record…. STRIKE 4!

  5. These people are not allowed to go to their old homes, so if they mostly stay in the area they live….. STRIKE 5!

a.This part is important…. if they had to relocate to another town of their choosing, no-one would ever choose the following states:

  1. New Jersey, North Dakota, South Dakota, Nebraska, Oklahoma, Ohio, or Indiana.

So, here’s the deal; after considering all of these features, it should be easy to use some scientific data to build a profile of a person that is likely in the Witness Protection Program. Think about it:

  1. Since women seem to keep out trouble more than men, our candidate is most likely male.

  2. The most popular male name in America is James,

  3. The average height of American males is 5’6”

  4. 60% of the population is white, so our candidate is most likely white.

  5. This person has a job and lives in a home!

So here we are, we are ready to unmask these folks. I recommend doing what I do; go to any public place and just find any white guy of average height and yell, “Hey JAMES!” When any of them turn around, just say, “GOTCHA MUTHAFUCKA!”

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