• Bodie English

How To Tell Which One Of Your Neighbors Is Turning Tricks

This season, more than any other, calls upon a new vigilance and investigative mindset before hitting the pavement with your aim to round up all the sweet treats around the block just ready to be handed out with nothing but a knock, some plying words and a well-thought outfit.

After re-reading the title and first paragraph, I’m tempted to think that some dirty-minded readership may have gotten the wrong idea but now you’re already in this far so backing out now pretty much confirms that suspicion. So now, consider how Halloween this year will carry with it one of the most restrictive and cautionary aspects in our life-time.

First, Has anyone else noticed that Reeses Peanut butter cups are losing their flavor? I’ve asked many a Walgreens Pharmacy manager about this nonsense and have yet to get any of them to admit that we are being served every year with an increased amount of paraffin wax slowly substituted in to scrape every bit of profit they can at the expense of our waning remorse at having stolen them from our children’s Halloween baskets. Honestly, I may let them keep theirs this year.

Next, Halloween costumes are becoming so unimpressive these days as you can simply buy them ready-made online, requiring hardly any creativity and a fair chance of running into someone with your exact same outfit down the block. Oh, you’re also kids from Stranger Things? How many Tiger Kings are going to show up at your door, and how many times are they going to blame the cold weather on “That Bitch Carol Baskin!”

Also, Halloween this year is going to fall on a Saturday with a FULL MOON! Now, you may think that this would be perfect for Halloween due its spooky motif, but did you know that there are some Lunar theories that suggest that human behavior can be linked to the moon's waxing and waning cycles? Some suggest that apparent crime spikes during full moons can also be associated with the increased visibility that the moon provides. This election cycle has made people crazy enough as it is. We don’t need an extra reason to get folks howling at the moon.

Finally, to address the issue from the title, “How to find out if your neighbor is turning tricks,” there are a few tell-tale signs to keep an eye on. If you’re prancing around in your Tiger King Daisy Dukes and come across a house with all the lights out and no yard decorations, this is a sign that they have chosen not to hand out treats. The only assumption you can make is that they are ready for tricking. Unfortunately every year these houses are simply avoided, but here at The Morning Rag, we suggest that you take advantage of the darkness and their OBVIOUS choice to trick, and find out which of their windows has been left unlocked.

Well, I can’t really think of anything else that would make this year’s Halloween celebration different in any remarkable way. We don’t have an obsessive fear of the OCCULT like we did in the 80’s and lots of folks are simply buy themselves a bag of candy and take the easy way out, but unless there’s some other reason I can’t think of……...it should be pretty normal.

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