• Bodie English

Man Has Been Social Distancing His Corvette In Parking Lot For Years

Many people exist on the fringes with regard to any number of attributes, be it political ideals, social tendencies or even population density, but one fringe existence is looking for an “I told you so.”

Scott contacted me through my highly successful news blog, The Morning Rag, recently after seeing the highly successful 3 part Covid-19 Inquiry series to see if I would be interested in telling his side of the story.

Scott, as he tells me, has been ahead of his time and simply “misunderstood”; he figures that his relegation of being an unexpected social pariah is the fault of social media and meme culture maligning his decisions and logic when it came to socially distancing his corvette in public parking lots.

You see, Scott has been parking his 1995 Chevrolet Corvette C5, Nassau blue convertible, with a LS1 small-block V8 with 350 hp and 350 lb-ft of torque.... I had to cut him off with that as I nodded my head intimating that I knew what the hell he was talking about. He had been parking his Vette in a diagonal manner taking up two and sometimes three parking spaces and had sparked the ire of some local patrons in his town. Pictures were taken of his vehicle and uploaded to social media forums lambasting his arrogance. He was decried as being a narcissist and a 1%er despite used cars of this nature being well within the buying power of the middle class… anyhow, this blatant affront to his neighbors and countrymen was being noticed and he could barely let the machismo fly after a run to Home Depot when returning to his vehicle having been violated with crude words written on his car with things such as suntan lotion or lipstick.

It had all gone too far when Scott was informed by one of his longtime off again- on again girlfriends that his local neighborhood facebook group had outed him by posting his name and address. He began to receive lots of unwanted hate mail and derisive messages telling him things I can’t repeat, but they rhyme with shmoosh bag and Blick Head, or Smashhole (okay that one sounded just as bad)

Scott asked me to tell his side of the story the way that David Koresh wanted to… get his side of the story. Scott opened up about how he’d always dreamt of owning his own corvette while sniffing modeling glue in the guest room putting together pristine replicas of his future panty dropper that ran on “sweet West Texas ground milk.” He couldn’t wait to blaze down the avenue past the Sonic causing all the girls to drop their tots onto their short skirts. (I just want to say….these are his words) I interrupted him to ask if he was planning on offering a rebuttal to the accusations of being a Smashole and how in the world this related to his initial argument of being a trailblazer at social distancing. He replied that, “Yes, I have had to keep my car from the proximity of other careless drivers letting their car doors ding my sweet ride for a long time. I’ve been practicing safe distancing for decades and this has kept my car safe from paint transfer from one of those Kias and Hyundais.” I asked him if he thought that it was fair for him to take up 2 to 3 spaces while others were relegated to one. He replied that local and state guidelines were reinforcing his idea of a safe social distance of 6 feet and that’s all he was attempting to do with his vette. “You just don’t know about the germs on people that drive Sedans and SUVs…..they have kids and stuff.”

Parking lot rules can be ambiguous (what are these white solid lines anyways) and are governed by local city code, therefore it wasn’t clear if what Scott was doing could be ticketed by the Police Department. I did some digging and found out that this particular Home Depot was not keen on trying to get a Corvette ticketed and irking one of its customers that single-handedly keeps the supply of Hot tub degreaser flying off the shelves.

15 views0 comments